Everything beautiful is true, the rest is lies!

2005 (or earlier?)

Was I lied to again?

Have I been lied to by my heart?

I was proven wrong again

Everything right is torn apart.

Oh moonlit sky,

show me what I really knew.

What did I find

when I found that I love you?

Is it all lies, all emotion that I feel?

Please show me some love that is real.

Am I all alone again,

or are you always in my heart?

It's hard to tell the difference when

my mind or soul seems torn apart.

Am I just too much,

for you to handle?

You are the wick of my emotional candle.

Is life all wrong,

or is it just my eyes?

Everything beautiful is true

the rest is lies

Oh perfect dawn,

bring me something that is real

Give solid form to all the wonders that I feel

You're not alone, as long as you have dreams

Life, is purely as amazing as it seems

You will always be beautiful to me.

Is life wonderful,

or is it just my eyes?

Everything beautiful is true

the rest is lies!

You will always be beautiful to me...

SLEEPNOWTHINKLATER

7.4.2000

Sleep now, think later
A blanket of unconsciousness
Descends over me.
My weak frame is giving in.
My mind has already gone
Sitting in standby waiting for the revolution.

Give me an identity
Give me a mind
Wind up my clockwork engine someone.
Pull off my strings
Delete the expectations
Set me out to roam free.

I need my sleep,
I feel so weak,
I've held it together as long as I can
You've been been letting me go
Not pushing me away
But none of that matters now anyway.

My life is one big ache
But it no longer matters
I'm starved of happiness
But it no longer matters
I'm so alone
It no longer matters
My body is falling to pieces
Yet it no longer matters
My mind did long ago.

Mine

A poem is a waste of time
just making up a silly rhyme.
Although the truth is, I have found,
that phrases follow you around.
They leave your soul mosquito bitten,
And will not rest 'til they've been written.
Pencil marks upon a page
tell a story of this age.
It's in your head, so write it down
drive the worries out of town.
Move it out and clear your head
then when you're done, just go to bed.

2000

Lost sheets

These are lost sheets
time-shards uncollated
feelings uncoordinated
my diary is somewhere else
unloved and unwritten
I miss out so many sections of despair

Two years ago plus half a year
I found you there
since then we have held each other
so close from afar
time together has been limited
but it is now locked in to my heart

and you won't forget me
though you may try
to escape this stress
of our separation

Maybe over time our molecules will have changed
we will be less and less of the selves that we were
when we met
and more of something new
without each other

But always, on my own,
I'm feeling more and more of you
the memories will not escape
and I weave them, constantly
in to the fabric of myself
and I become built out of you

I wonder if you ever feel the same as this
meri jaan

I wonder if you rebuild yourself
as daily as I do
trying to find a shred of hope left
amongst the disillusion
we have created

I wonder if it leaks out of your soul
in streams of longing that everyone can see
if you miss me

if they have heard the story now
so many times
that they feel like they know us

it is nice to collect the support of strangers
and the enchantment of friends

I wonder how many times,
in how many languages
our story has been told?

One day we will see if I am able to tell it again
it is so hard working on this happy ending
there are so many cycles of despair
and we are caught in it
such a long intermission
to struggle with no answer in sight
our darkness knows no horizon

except what hope we can create inside
and nurture in our hearts
hidden away from the doubts that we speak
hurting words that cut deeply
that fly from sharp and angry tongues
From this, there are so many
bruises and cuts on the surface

My body bleeds
as if it won't contain me
in such a living grief
But art spins gold out of flesh

so perhaps there is hope still yet
as long as there is breath.

…..

I'm scared to leave the room that contains your memories
I walk the streets that knew your footsteps
I know the trees that saw us in the park when we were worried
I return to the shop, it gives me no answers about how I found you
I want to hold on to the light that fell on you
whilst you were here with me
The sun and moonlight will fall on us again, I know
I will make it that way my love.

3 Nov 2012
LEF

Insecurity

There is no consolation for this insecurity

that makes me hate you defensively, temporarily, imaginarily

I brought it with me wrapped up in my hand luggage, fragile 

ready to smash once I arrived

its pieces rain all over you

like a confetti of glass shards

and I don't quite see what it does to your eyes

because they look away to the TV

where something takes your interest now

instead of me.

ii

I fear a hell I left
as a permanent impact on my life
a footprint denting into my heart
because in retrospect, I was trodden on
as I allowed myself to become the floor
I hope for wings, to become the sky instead
but one journey is not the destination reached
This is as good as any place to argue
once an argument needs a location
to spill forth stuck communications

that bleed doubt in to life's celebration

12-03-2015
LEF

Tomorrow's sky

I woke up in the wrong world today
my eyes deceive my heart
the sky is tomorrow's
and the air belongs last week
Just the same as them, I am in the wrong place
it should be earlier today
I should be walking out as the sun rises
on a frosty morning
with a group of people,
relying on me to be there
perhaps if I close my eyes again
I'll be relocated
put back in a world I should have found

And so I sleep to try to find today again
to no avail
it is dark when I awake
and they have forgotten I exist

To stop being relied upon
is so much worse than disappointing them…


21-11-2004

The hollow centre

Friends, I slightly burn inside as savage guts keep me from sleep and pull me from tomorrow.

My eyes are dark beneath and mouth is sore, dry, silent.

What is painful more than pain's bones and buckles?

It is that silence of which I write to try and form the words,

That destroyer of all imagination's worlds.

I hide these thoughts in pebble pots where wishes lie,

until they may sprout dreams and fortunes owed or not.

Let me lie down amongst these concerns and sleep for a while,

underlain by memory's leaves and time's rot 

I try to renew myself

each ring grows anew around me 

age seems to expand me

but the hollow centre grows

Danger doesn't act as quick as you'd think

but moves so slowly it is not caught

as it drags me down to places without air

and deficit of love

I forget to connect with myself

no one answers, do I call?

23 Sept 2014 LEF

Silver lines

I forget to reach and nearly touch

what I must always keep a few millimetres away from

So much boredom chews my edges 

as the scream builds 

boiling like tar from my centre

surviving

and breathing

a few more bursts 

before I run out of myself

silver lines

pour through electronic time

and reach me in the room

that I've been calling "mine"

I wonder if I am still here 

once your words arrive

how was it possible to forget what I once knew?

open eyes are closed again

as years gave me an amnesiac mask

behind which I hope the truth still hides

29-April-2014 LEF

Self-censorship

Self-censorship 

Resist as you are consumed

by arms which pull you from your other selves

Drowning avoids the doubt you'd otherwise have to live with

as you dive forward in to the finality of silence

I'm spinning alone and no one catches edges of any thoughts

One day - will I too disappear?

Of course.

I sit in a time stream losing everyone and myself at the same rate

Can I teach you how to disappear?

teeth gnaw at communication's threads

as I fray

20 May 2014

LEF

Yesterday's Newspapers

I stare at your face through time
In every moment you are mine.
Precious leaves of an antique book
Unread by any but our eyes
Collect in the gutters,
Like yesterday's newspapers
Soaking up the rain.

I stare at your face through time
I wonder, were you ever mine?
Leaves of memories
Fallen from an ancient tree
Drift in to my eyes
Every time I cry
Like yesterday's newspapers
Soaking up the tears.


18-06-05
LEF

In everyone

In every other face I meet
I feel in a way I am greeting a new part of myself
Perhaps unfamiliar
Or maybe strangely recognisable
But either way, an adventure.

In every other hand I hold
I'm holding on to myself
A reassuring grasp onto physical reality
Touch
In every hand, half of a new story
In every face a past, present and future visible

In every voice, a promise
In every eye, a tear
On every face, a shadow
In everyone, a fear.


17-7-2002
LEF

Umbrella

My useless umbrella
let me never put you down
though I hardly ever put you up either

Your spokes become an arm
that feeds my iron heart
with time you will be rooted there
upside down and unusual, a self-sustaining novelty
mottled by metallic moss
and weathered by the world


13-01-2005

The moment

The moment before sleep

I try to bring myself back in to this moment

just this very moment

though the time it contains

seems to stretch back

over the whole of history

infinite reflection

Perhaps like the moment before death

the second before giving in

asks to feel again

all that has ever been felt

to remember everything once known

and everyone

All faces sculpted from 

the disappearing air

all thoughts swim in to a dark

subconscious sea

all clocks are paused

grains of sand float halfway down to the floor

Outside of time

there is no such thing as waiting any more

For now may as well be forever

With the next second a life time away

you'll eventually be gone

but in the moment before sleep

exists all of eternity.

11-07-2007

LEF

Synonymy

Do you mistake my freedom for a cage?

Words repeating effortlessly through the void.

Here, let me condense myself
My synonyms shrink
Gift-wrapped for your ears

Could we ever understand each other?

There is too much perfume here, too many twists and turns in my line
You attempt to detect binary where there is analogue
My free flow disorientates you

And you begin to drown in misunderstanding
What should be simple
Straight from my heart

16-04-2011
LEF

Spheres in water

I glide upon the corridor

to the room

where my face impacts the mirror

and I impact my identity

not just of flesh

but personal recognition

that the shapes I look upon

are attached to me.

My eyes revolve

like spheres in water

helplessly unexpressive

for today.

Raindrops that try to swim through oil

floating in futility.

I will feel differently when I eat

and absorb some sunlight

in the summer air.

I will reset, with slightly altered eyes

perhaps.

I will visualise

and attempt to wind

my spiral mind

outwards

for an escape into functionality

long enough to piece together

the very edges of life.

20 June 2010

The overused pen

Can anything I write these days be sane, balanced, rational?

I guess these are not the years for that

so many pages filled

and so much good ink spilled

to purge each obsession from my mind

such horrifically circular thoughts

expressed again, again, again.

Progression only through increasing depth of delusion.

Still I sit here alone in my world

as many do

I am so lucky to be here

so free

and so in love

with this whole universe.

So lucky to have seen

and to know

that which cannot be lost

and has no need of being gained.

I bring it to the centre of my heart

and hope it is enough

to keep

the cage of flesh

from collapse.

So long it has been my burden, my anchor,

my only vehicle of freedom to exist

But now- what?

On the cusp of new or old, familiar, rephrased revelations

perhaps I will be turned free

from that past suffering

and only into tomorrow's ills

will I travel.

Why has it taken so long to escape yesterday?

There are so many forevers in my heart

so many forevers already

leading me towards

such a desperate loneliness

but this is where so many are

I must not resent the visit,

but keep charting this map.

........

Will anything good come of such overuse of the pen tonight?

I plead through time that I was different

that I did not miss you

but as always, I have missed myself.

I reside somewhere, I'm sure,

amongst these half open boxes on the floor.

Years of unanswered questions

overflow

to waterfalls of tears,

upon each revelation

that there is nothing there at all

just the traces of a pen

held by someone who once was scared

and then, upon conquering that fear

made a million plans

for a thousand different futures

none of which were hers

.....

Will I be yours?

I ask the faint trace of your memory

outlined in my heart

And I cannot keep from asking

but hear no answer

no suggestion

It is perhaps

just the same old story

I induce a migraine

as I sit and write too late

And this busy world

refuses to wait

any longer for this Laura

I still wait for it

as I wait for you

I wait for you to find me perhaps

I'm so tired of hiding

but there is no exposing

all this pain to anyone

I miss your smile, I miss the air in your eyes,

I miss something that I can't quite describe.

5/9/2010

The metamorphosis of a tear

A butterfly inside

grows from my heart.

The metamorphosis of a tear that fell

and hibernated there,

cocooned for years

awaiting its release.

Wings beat, confined by ribs

tearing lungs

blood flows.

Weary wings fold back,

like origami bows.

Delicate feet

begin the long ascent

towards the throat.

9-6-2005

As birds sing

Cleansing rain falls down to wash away the cobwebs

Another moment delayed until today

The sky is light and dark and alternating

as are my eyes.

Another antique glass smashed again

to let the rain in

another bubble broken to expose the skin.

The walls are screaming if they could

or is it just a yawn?

As birds sing to bring upon the dawn.

I wake

to try to start to live

where I left off

that year I fell asleep

But the room's half-dark

already

and its curtains always drawn

one-day I will open them

as birds sing, to bring upon the dawn.

13-5-2003

Wax Self

Some solid of myself melted down

collected to malleable pools of wax

some left brittle, dry, fragile

all swirling

'round a central nuclear point

pressurizing

churning

near to exploding

Constant reforming

whilst eroding

Inspiration density

increasing beyond critical mass

Soon

one point

will spread to every point

nowhere will be unreachable

An inverted heart

turned outside-in

all consuming

now reducing

sleep inducing

hollow

quiet

lonely

lost

4-2-2007

Post-apocalyptic bedroom

I write to get it out, a mini mushroom cloud.

Peace surrounds my wrists but there's war in my eyes

it burns when no one sees

and is not easily diffused.

But it doesn't escape, it never attacks.

This post-apocalyptic bedroom sits

and gathers the dust of a life lost

partially reformed

and lost again.

A shanty town of hope

abandoned here.

The soul moved elsewhere that year.

Here lies the carcass of dreams

in the grave of ideas.

It rots, though no one sees, there is a smell.

23-09-2009

Me Minus You

Me minus you is the new me

and it is terrible to be stuck like that

and I was wary of it

but here it came

Me minus you

is my negative space

having filled a shape around yours

Perhaps you are just the new her?

you made me appear.

It is terrible

now that there isn't any disappearing left for me.

Me minus you

is my new mistake

I try to change the way my heart beats

I attack myself

brutally

in an attempt to change direction

It sounds worse than it is

I have had years of this

but this time it is different

Me minus her

was no one

was a delusion

Me minus you

is hope

awful hope, I hope it doesn't hurt you

aren't there worse things than this confusion?

Me minus you is the wonderful hope

of maybe one-day

me plus you

again

21-11-2009

Reading loop

Stuck reading this book in a giant loop
like nothing else exists
as I am stuck reading the past and future as a book
and can never find the ENDING
Because the beginning and the end overlap
we're always travelling back where we started and where we'll end
forward to the beginning
again
remembering the future
the end is backwards - ahead to where we started
Because the end and the beginning overlap
I can never find the beginning
Stuck reading the book of the future and the past
like nothing else exists
In a giant loop reading this book I'm stuck

20-1-3
(so obsessive because I've only slept 4 hours - if that)

Obsessive

OBSESSIVE
can't close my eyes to all that worry
unless I lock myself away
I've spent all my life building
this mental cage

I'm safe in here
to die alone
in complete relaxation
away from depression
away from anything beautiful
that might hurt me
away from anyone I want
that I might disappoint

I've been filtered out of my life
an entirely blue rainbow
sometimes I miss myself
sometimes I cry about it
but mainly I just sit staring in to nothingness
until the feeling goes away

Removed from myself
I've forgotten how to care
Stopped dealing with the truth
after too long living in lies
And now everything just blends in to the walls
and nothing ever seems to change
I need never move again

need never open my eyes

My world slumps stagnant around me

time's just ticking 'round in circles

year after year just sliding by.

Something within me

still longing to fight

an angry voice is screaming at myself

but I'm trying to smother the sound

hands over my ears

silence is the greatest crime

my own worst enemy

the day I choose to hear the truth

I will be free

again

13-1-3

Nineteen hours sleep

I slept for nineteen hours
awoke emaciated and empty
as I had fallen asleep emaciated and empty.
Heartbeat slower than the seconds on the clock
heavy like the beat of a drum
announcing a public execution.
Did I know as I had closed my eyes, so long ago
that I was lying down to die?
I gave into the darkness then
to one day step into the light
But awoke to find just bare bulbs
and grey, shadowed memories
wishing I was somewhere else
and someone that I'd never be
someone's that I'd never be
again

19-12-02
LEF

All this paper

ALL THIS PAPER all this mess All this Material This Waste This Nest
All these memories Are grains of sand
Alone in here with my things, representing my demons
How is it that I enjoy accumulating new demons?
More and more eventually consuming me
From the inside out
Stripped bare of anything worth keeping there
Replaced with obsessional novelties of times that passed
That were worth less than the futures I bypassed
Because of memories
Because it's easier to live there
Where you can tweek your life to what it wasn't
Living in reverse
Backwards lies reflected in the mirror
Until they seem to be true
And the clocks are ticking backwards
Losing time all the time
Losing time and losing you

3-11-2
II

A big white sheet

A big empty white sheet in the dark

No one can hear me

Although I scream

I try to build myself again

It is hard.

I'm only here in the end

just me and the pen.

Alone in the darkness

___________

I remember once I made a film

I will do again

____________

SOON.

(The end)

9-11-2006

LEF

Manic fragments & "A black hole hiding"

time fragments

I know I am beyond the line

When I stare through myself

through my own reflection

my eyes refuse to blink

objects are placed around me

at some point in another life time
I put them there

I think........

I must have done

.....................

I need someone to hear

oh the horrible nights

when we speak

my voice deceives you

Mania is a black hole hiding in my smile

Thank god no one understands

and so I write

Mania overflows to golden waterfalls of tears

providing a little peace

this is amazing

this is ill

You cannot see

maybe one day you will see

MANIC - eyes stare back empty

like eyes that have seen too much

these eyes see too much at once

dead fish eyes

unblinking and wide

Sometimes there is too much of me

I attempt to reduce myself

But the busyness of life vibrates around me

steel bees vibrating in my metal skull

like nails in a tin can.

.....

I am little pieces of myself
fragmenting
Mania does this to me
my memory world shatters
like dribbles of glass
through a heart-shaped sieve

Little pieces of me
come one day
across little pieces of
you

A blanket of time
wraps over my head
I've lost
where I said
I should be
I drag myself from one
place to another place
one state to another state
I can't see
without
I'm lost
in my own
head.

1-11-2006

Under scrutiny

I writhe under the hot light of scrutiny

that almost blinds my creativity

eyes with knives inside, that fill this world

That slice my face, that bruise my arms

that tear my heart.

All the while I stare, just beyond that glass ledge

on which I stand

so close

to infinity

Blinded by light - I'm screaming in the dark - and no one hears

please take away my tears, to somewhere they will fall,

and make a sound

I wrap my love up in a hard enamel shell

and cast it to the sea

on the monthly lunar swell,

without me it should do so well

oh free and distant love

still connected by a golden thread

...I have lost my voice

04-2005
.

I Cry

I cry into the wind

to dry my tears

take them down its unplanned path

blow them away

far from me

out of sight, out of mind

Dilute my pain and hide my grief

Each shattered tear a thousand drips

cry into the wind to mute my sobs

and carry my tears away

from me.

,

26.4.1999

Under the Influence

Pale skin dead under the white moon
Vacant eyes glazed over, unblinking
Loosened mind
Dissolved thoughts
The darkness is there but the pain has gone
Washed away in a wave of unimportance.
Peace
Numbness,
Resting, deteriorating
Travelling through nowhere
With nothing on your mind
Unblinking.

Tomorrow morning
you'll turn over a new leaf.

1999

Midnight Carnival

Pale, Feel like I've been silenced

Carnival at midnight
Echoing with loneliness in the shadows
Shivers of shock

Nothingness banishes all beauty

It hurts now I'm so far away
from what was once so close

Unfair is not the word that comes to my mind at times like this.

Upset, it's so upsetting
I'll be beside you forever
Although you'll not notice most of the time
A love too great to ever completely leave behind
I'll fight for you forever
even when I'm gone
One day I'll be back to take you with me
And you will always stay strong

12-7-2

Transfixed

Transfixed on a spot of blue
As if there wasn't a whole sky of blue to gaze upon.
The blue fleck amongst the trees,
the bushes sway, a sea of green
with pink capped waves and purple fish.
Vivid echoes of glorious light,
spots of brick red splash and create a contrast.
The sun bites at the edge of the day
I peer down at the warm yellow surface, of the sea of greenery, with emerald depths
And spy a ship that swims alone, magnificent in the sun
Navigating North-North-West
It aims to catch a fleeting gust
to carry on it's way, the winds of change
the boat with outstretched sails of billowing blue.

18.6.2

Sitting in shadows

Again I saw you sitting there
But little pieces were gone
Something was different
Little pieces were gone
"Just a little bit" you said,
you said "Not much"
"Just a little bit"
I looked again
and saw you
sitting in a shadow
terrified of light
and pieces of your face were
hidden from view
and bits of you were gone
And the room was full of ghosts
from the haunting past
And you were sitting in the shadows
terrified of night
Drowning in the darkness terrified of light
Your hands still clasped
and praying for the end
But the end of attrition will never come
without a victory for someone
So who will win this?
You?
Or them?
Who will win this in the end?
Will you win this in the end?

3-5-2

mind out of body

I'm drifting away
my body slumped
a dark black shape
a darkened black aubergine sky
with bluewhite shades
and tinwhite stars
a moon fades away down one side
and the unending darkness stretches through me
and far off into the distance.
I'm collapsed on to the pillows in my mind
and I'm moving away
I'm sliding away
something here is not quite there
my mind has gone, somewhere
I'm looking down
I'm lying there
I'm quiet and unmoving
I don't quite seem so full of life
Because which is me? My body or my mind?
With pieces missing I shift away
slowly, I'm falling down a spiral staircase
headfirst
and it hurts
how this lost feeling perpetuates.
My hands are dead and behind me tied
my face is numb
and legs have died
and I'm no longer there
in my shell, I'm lost and almost gone
I'm distanced now, the colours separating
These wounds aren't healing but there's no one left to feel the pain
It's so lonely to go insane

I scream

a voice comes to my lips
mental and physical rejoining now
like a tear in reverse
I'm joined to my face distorted in pain
I'm joined to my hands, struggling again
I'm rejoined to my legs that kick out in protest
I'm myself for a second, I'm free and I'm fighting
Until the next wave of weakness overwhelms me
and I slump back to the floor where I lay before,
caged and sedate


15.4.2
LEF