...Dust

On high
A burning, blinding light tears through the centres of my eyes
and out to you
its tendrils wrap around you
draw you close to me
where I can see
if maybe
we could be
Your eyes sparkle, emerald gems in the dust of life
a lonely desert for far too long I've wandered
And never met the sea


*LEF 14-11-2007

Two Black Marbles

Reborn again with new eyes
A pair I know I shouldn't like to see through
but survival all the same

here's teeth gnawing at the page
with eyes absorbing all the colours
and turning them to grey
a simulated efficiency
drawn like curtains across the sunset
an augmented internal landscape
of empty oceans
and distant stars

There are no faces in my world this week
just left-over recollections
ghostly outlines
two black marbles glow in the dark
where eyes should be
The stuffed monkey with a drum
beats, where the heart should be
nails instead of teeth
and snakes instead of hair
claws replacing hands
guts replaced by stuff
face all dried out and flat

I am disturbed to change so completely so quickly
....and I want my old life back
but it has left me

LEF 3-9-7

falling through time 19:25 15 08 2007

Distance is nothing
even time dissolves for us
it could be years from now
maybe we were brought back to this point
to decide again
maybe everytime will be the same
no decision made
only decisions made through indecision
maybe all of it is an illusion

sometimes I trip over my own words
like a bumbling idiot of some sort
then again so do you

I had a big long list made up
of all the things about you I can't stand
I loved you all the same

Just hold my hand oneday again
because I dream you're smiling at me
And I wish I didn't

I wish I didn't wish
But I can't hope that I don't hope
It's the same as breathing air

don't worry about me though
you didn't break my heart
I was just reminded that it's there

*

Floating a few feet from the floor

I'm floating a few feet from the floor

The world doesn't end at my feet

The sky doesn't begin at the top my head

The edges of everything bleed

It's a strange day indeed

One square centimetre of sensory data

Has left me like this

Now even as I sleep
There's no escape
....You don't understand
I keep dreaming of holding your hand

*
LEF
05-08-2007

Recreated Creature

Like a frail, dry leaf

or cracking roof slates

I have the illusion of a solid form

but with just another breath

I could break

As a once-smashed statue, rebuilt by glue

is metamorphosed every time

I'm a new reformed creation

a jigsaw facade pieced together from memories of the past

with a fondness for what was

and will never be again.

Today I am a recreated creature

crawling from the poisonous absinthian chrysalis

yesterday's body, rejected, discarded, forgotten

a new face is worn.

LEF

A few months of rain at once

The sky is relieved.

Torrents of tears flow

reviving parched ground

all that was solid is mud

all air is storm and river

all sky is the sea tumbled over

glassy pavement slabs, newly polished

decorate the edges of ancient walkways

warped and weather worn

after a long wait......

a few months of rain fell at once

LEF

Manic Depression Explained Simply in Seven Stages

Here I am.

I'm myself for a while

before everything gets a bit too extreme.

A rare feeling of balance & sanity

hard for me to measure

or to understand where it goes

when other feelings take over.

This is where I make my decisions

and memorize my rules,

this phase of life is least distorted

compared to my perception

of how most other people feel.

The things I'm feeling now

are most likely to be real,

emotions effected by external events

and the internal thoughts they provoke.

This is who I want you to know,

as I want to know myself.

I don't get that long,

but for a while

please listen to me talk.

My heart is open

and I try to weave together

the words that explain my world.

This is who I choose to be

This is me.

.....
.....

This feeling runs throughout my entire body

Bright light shooting underneath my skin

I'm flying

I'm singing even as I'm dying

The world appears in vivid multicolours

I am a giant who controls all the other puppets

I am everywhere at once, spinning

One step away from the edge of a cliff,

so close to eternity.

I fly so high there is no ground

the universe is upside down

Every structure supports me

Everyone adores me

My blood runs red and through my heart pumps light

The end is out of sight.

Here I am,

and I love the entire world at once,

everyone who has ever lived

and ever will live.

I am everywhere and everybody else

Within the eyes of all of you I lose my sense of self

It almost gets too much

I'm blinded by the light I love

There's no way to stop seeing, hearing, thinking, talking

and so I see and hear and think and talk so much,

so much.

Everywhere is so bright and loud

I can't shut out the light and sound.

There are so many people around, so many faces.

They begin to dissolve what's left of me

and in the space I used to be,

floats just an empty smile

This is mania.

.....
.....

This feeling takes me by surprise

I'm being watched by a thousand eyes

I'm half dissolved with nothing left to hide.

I look in the direction I suspect is upwards

but see no peaceful view

The sky's on fire and my world's about to burn

will I never learn?

The higher the climb the more painful the fall

I will never have it all.

As I begin to hurt

I hate them all

they let me do this to myself.

I feel the rage across my skin

the old world's breaking down

the new world's leaking in.

As it all begins to burn

life spins around.

The sky is light and dark and alternating

or is it just my eyes?

The optimistic constant was a time bomb in disguise.

As I blink

everything changes

I don't know where

I am anymore

an alien halfway world

where at least two things are true at once.

I contradict myself

and live in this conflict

of feeling and paranoia

until I will give in

and jump headfirst off that emotional cliff.

My only salvation

to throw myself in and risk it all

This is how it feels as I'm about to fall.

.....
.....

This feeling runs throughout my entire body.

An acrid black poison, a shooting pain

courses through my veins

it leaks throughout my soul

it suffocates my hope

and destroys every last drip of happiness left.

This is hell on Earth

it is everywhere I turn

As far as I can see

the sky is black

and I am a scar in the darkness,

an insignificant moment

in a universe of pain.

I will perpetually feel the same.

Every time I close my eyes

the torture devours me,

a void that kills all light

a pain that lacerates

each thing I see and feel and touch.

My eyes bleed tears of separation from the earth

as I seem to vacate my flesh,

only an animated corpse

that aches and writhes and screams and walks.

I'm falling away

beneath myself, the lowest thing on Earth

This is depression.

.....
.....

This is not feeling.

This emptiness is the worst hell I know.

Even one second is too long to live without a soul.

I need to cry

but I don't care enough to hurt.

I am the void

and there is nothing left

but the frame of a smashed mirror

that didn't care as it was broken.

Dead eyes stare back blankly

that couldn't hate, that couldn't fear, that couldn't love.

I try to scream, but have no voice.

I have no doubt, I have no hope.

I am a twisted mask

with only awful blankness behind it,

a plane without a pilot, out of control.

I am suffocated, emaciated, vacant

but I am too numb now to care.

There is nothing at any point on the horizon any more.

Like a vacuum, I take whatever comes too near.

It is dangerous to live without a fear.

Something deep inside remembers

I should feel

Like a distant, dying star in an empty sky

the only cure will be to cry

but I don't care enough to hurt

and so I hurt someone

that I might care eventually.

Malice creeps into my mind

a desperate last attempt to feel alive

inch by inch I go too far

without a conscience as my guide

I try to regain emotion by force.

I am a human machine

desperate to feel empathy

nobody can help me.

.....
.....

As I cry I feel again

I am reborn again

resurrected from a world without emotion

I stand here, now in the light

weeping that I am still allowed to live

somewhere so beautiful.

This liquid pain reminds me

Life is wonderful, even as I cry.

Even as I die, I live

even as I hurt, I hope.

A spectrum of emotion filters back behind my eyes

I am free to feel and I am feeling.

This pain is an old friend

reminding me to live

and I become myself again.

For now I hurt

but know that soon the peace will come

and all these tears will dry

This is how I'm feeling as I cry.

.....
.....

This feeling runs through me and touches you

It is a perfect calm.

I hope I can help you somehow

if I was you I'd want me to.

I know how it is to feel

so many different ways.

I look into your eyes and feel your thoughts

I join you in your pain

at the edge of that cliff

the last point on the Earth,

before the ocean of eternity stretches out in to the night.

Far away the glassy sea touches the starlit sky

but here we are

alone, both of us.

I reach you with my words

my voice, the only rope I've got

to pull you back to safety.

I am only the messenger, a stranger

brought here to help, if I can, tonight.

As we talk

I slowly mould myself to your soul

a mirror image,

so that I can speak in a language you will understand.

I become a calm voice in your ear

asking you to hope and hoping you will hear.

I am at peace

and the world is wonderful.

You are so amazing

and you are all worth saving.

Helping you I help myself as well,

to return here I'll travel back through

each and every kind of hell,

let me feel it all

and use it well

This is healing.

.....
.....

Here I am

I'm myself for a while

Before everything gets a bit too extreme.

A rare feeling of balance and sanity.

This is who I want you to know,

as I want to know myself.

This is who I choose to be

This is me.

.....
.....

Copyright LEF 2004

My Perception

My perception
I have so many different
windows to look out through.
Imagine every morning
waking up with a new
pair of eyes
and a different perspective on the world.
All that you know
looks dramatically different
when illuminated by a changing light.
My reality fluctuates
does the universe change or do I?
I'm in a wonderland
one minute I grow to giant size
the next I'm shrinking
and drowning in a lake of tears.
I used to fear change
because it could bring separation
from the things I had and loved
but now I have and love the change itself
we are never to be separated.
The universe is change
and changing along side me.
Mine is a new life every day
every hour the sky changes
and suddenly I'm in another wonderland
gazing out through kaleidoscope eyes.


LEF

Guest Book

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:-)

LEF

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