Me Minus You

Me minus you is the new me

and it is terrible to be stuck like that

and I was wary of it

but here it came

Me minus you

is my negative space

having filled a shape around yours

Perhaps you are just the new her?

you made me appear.

It is terrible

now that there isn't any disappearing left for me.

Me minus you

is my new mistake

I try to change the way my heart beats

I attack myself

brutally

in an attempt to change direction

It sounds worse than it is

I have had years of this

but this time it is different

Me minus her

was no one

was a delusion

Me minus you

is hope

awful hope, I hope it doesn't hurt you

aren't there worse things than this confusion?

Me minus you is the wonderful hope

of maybe one-day

me plus you

again

21-11-2009

Reading loop

Stuck reading this book in a giant loop
like nothing else exists
as I am stuck reading the past and future as a book
and can never find the ENDING
Because the beginning and the end overlap
we're always travelling back where we started and where we'll end
forward to the beginning
again
remembering the future
the end is backwards - ahead to where we started
Because the end and the beginning overlap
I can never find the beginning
Stuck reading the book of the future and the past
like nothing else exists
In a giant loop reading this book I'm stuck

20-1-3
(so obsessive because I've only slept 4 hours - if that)

Obsessive

OBSESSIVE
can't close my eyes to all that worry
unless I lock myself away
I've spent all my life building
this mental cage

I'm safe in here
to die alone
in complete relaxation
away from depression
away from anything beautiful
that might hurt me
away from anyone I want
that I might disappoint

I've been filtered out of my life
an entirely blue rainbow
sometimes I miss myself
sometimes I cry about it
but mainly I just sit staring in to nothingness
until the feeling goes away

Removed from myself
I've forgotten how to care
Stopped dealing with the truth
after too long living in lies
And now everything just blends in to the walls
and nothing ever seems to change
I need never move again

need never open my eyes

My world slumps stagnant around me

time's just ticking 'round in circles

year after year just sliding by.

Something within me

still longing to fight

an angry voice is screaming at myself

but I'm trying to smother the sound

hands over my ears

silence is the greatest crime

my own worst enemy

the day I choose to hear the truth

I will be free

again

13-1-3

Nineteen hours sleep

I slept for nineteen hours
awoke emaciated and empty
as I had fallen asleep emaciated and empty.
Heartbeat slower than the seconds on the clock
heavy like the beat of a drum
announcing a public execution.
Did I know as I had closed my eyes, so long ago
that I was lying down to die?
I gave into the darkness then
to one day step into the light
But awoke to find just bare bulbs
and grey, shadowed memories
wishing I was somewhere else
and someone that I'd never be
someone's that I'd never be
again

19-12-02
LEF

All this paper

ALL THIS PAPER all this mess All this Material This Waste This Nest
All these memories Are grains of sand
Alone in here with my things, representing my demons
How is it that I enjoy accumulating new demons?
More and more eventually consuming me
From the inside out
Stripped bare of anything worth keeping there
Replaced with obsessional novelties of times that passed
That were worth less than the futures I bypassed
Because of memories
Because it's easier to live there
Where you can tweek your life to what it wasn't
Living in reverse
Backwards lies reflected in the mirror
Until they seem to be true
And the clocks are ticking backwards
Losing time all the time
Losing time and losing you

3-11-2
II

A big white sheet

A big empty white sheet in the dark

No one can hear me

Although I scream

I try to build myself again

It is hard.

I'm only here in the end

just me and the pen.

Alone in the darkness

___________

I remember once I made a film

I will do again

____________

SOON.

(The end)

9-11-2006

LEF

Manic fragments & "A black hole hiding"

time fragments

I know I am beyond the line

When I stare through myself

through my own reflection

my eyes refuse to blink

objects are placed around me

at some point in another life time
I put them there

I think........

I must have done

.....................

I need someone to hear

oh the horrible nights

when we speak

my voice deceives you

Mania is a black hole hiding in my smile

Thank god no one understands

and so I write

Mania overflows to golden waterfalls of tears

providing a little peace

this is amazing

this is ill

You cannot see

maybe one day you will see

MANIC - eyes stare back empty

like eyes that have seen too much

these eyes see too much at once

dead fish eyes

unblinking and wide

Sometimes there is too much of me

I attempt to reduce myself

But the busyness of life vibrates around me

steel bees vibrating in my metal skull

like nails in a tin can.

.....

I am little pieces of myself
fragmenting
Mania does this to me
my memory world shatters
like dribbles of glass
through a heart-shaped sieve

Little pieces of me
come one day
across little pieces of
you

A blanket of time
wraps over my head
I've lost
where I said
I should be
I drag myself from one
place to another place
one state to another state
I can't see
without
I'm lost
in my own
head.

1-11-2006

Under scrutiny

I writhe under the hot light of scrutiny

that almost blinds my creativity

eyes with knives inside, that fill this world

That slice my face, that bruise my arms

that tear my heart.

All the while I stare, just beyond that glass ledge

on which I stand

so close

to infinity

Blinded by light - I'm screaming in the dark - and no one hears

please take away my tears, to somewhere they will fall,

and make a sound

I wrap my love up in a hard enamel shell

and cast it to the sea

on the monthly lunar swell,

without me it should do so well

oh free and distant love

still connected by a golden thread

...I have lost my voice

04-2005
.

I Cry

I cry into the wind

to dry my tears

take them down its unplanned path

blow them away

far from me

out of sight, out of mind

Dilute my pain and hide my grief

Each shattered tear a thousand drips

cry into the wind to mute my sobs

and carry my tears away

from me.

,

26.4.1999

Under the Influence

Pale skin dead under the white moon
Vacant eyes glazed over, unblinking
Loosened mind
Dissolved thoughts
The darkness is there but the pain has gone
Washed away in a wave of unimportance.
Peace
Numbness,
Resting, deteriorating
Travelling through nowhere
With nothing on your mind
Unblinking.

Tomorrow morning
you'll turn over a new leaf.

1999

Midnight Carnival

Pale, Feel like I've been silenced

Carnival at midnight
Echoing with loneliness in the shadows
Shivers of shock

Nothingness banishes all beauty

It hurts now I'm so far away
from what was once so close

Unfair is not the word that comes to my mind at times like this.

Upset, it's so upsetting
I'll be beside you forever
Although you'll not notice most of the time
A love too great to ever completely leave behind
I'll fight for you forever
even when I'm gone
One day I'll be back to take you with me
And you will always stay strong

12-7-2

Transfixed

Transfixed on a spot of blue
As if there wasn't a whole sky of blue to gaze upon.
The blue fleck amongst the trees,
the bushes sway, a sea of green
with pink capped waves and purple fish.
Vivid echoes of glorious light,
spots of brick red splash and create a contrast.
The sun bites at the edge of the day
I peer down at the warm yellow surface, of the sea of greenery, with emerald depths
And spy a ship that swims alone, magnificent in the sun
Navigating North-North-West
It aims to catch a fleeting gust
to carry on it's way, the winds of change
the boat with outstretched sails of billowing blue.

18.6.2

Sitting in shadows

Again I saw you sitting there
But little pieces were gone
Something was different
Little pieces were gone
"Just a little bit" you said,
you said "Not much"
"Just a little bit"
I looked again
and saw you
sitting in a shadow
terrified of light
and pieces of your face were
hidden from view
and bits of you were gone
And the room was full of ghosts
from the haunting past
And you were sitting in the shadows
terrified of night
Drowning in the darkness terrified of light
Your hands still clasped
and praying for the end
But the end of attrition will never come
without a victory for someone
So who will win this?
You?
Or them?
Who will win this in the end?
Will you win this in the end?

3-5-2

mind out of body

I'm drifting away
my body slumped
a dark black shape
a darkened black aubergine sky
with bluewhite shades
and tinwhite stars
a moon fades away down one side
and the unending darkness stretches through me
and far off into the distance.
I'm collapsed on to the pillows in my mind
and I'm moving away
I'm sliding away
something here is not quite there
my mind has gone, somewhere
I'm looking down
I'm lying there
I'm quiet and unmoving
I don't quite seem so full of life
Because which is me? My body or my mind?
With pieces missing I shift away
slowly, I'm falling down a spiral staircase
headfirst
and it hurts
how this lost feeling perpetuates.
My hands are dead and behind me tied
my face is numb
and legs have died
and I'm no longer there
in my shell, I'm lost and almost gone
I'm distanced now, the colours separating
These wounds aren't healing but there's no one left to feel the pain
It's so lonely to go insane

I scream

a voice comes to my lips
mental and physical rejoining now
like a tear in reverse
I'm joined to my face distorted in pain
I'm joined to my hands, struggling again
I'm rejoined to my legs that kick out in protest
I'm myself for a second, I'm free and I'm fighting
Until the next wave of weakness overwhelms me
and I slump back to the floor where I lay before,
caged and sedate


15.4.2
LEF