A big white sheet

A big empty white sheet in the dark

No one can hear me

Although I scream

I try to build myself again

It is hard.

I'm only here in the end

just me and the pen.

Alone in the darkness

___________

I remember once I made a film

I will do again

____________

SOON.

(The end)

9-11-2006

LEF

Manic fragments & "A black hole hiding"

time fragments

I know I am beyond the line

When I stare through myself

through my own reflection

my eyes refuse to blink

objects are placed around me

at some point in another life time
I put them there

I think........

I must have done

.....................

I need someone to hear

oh the horrible nights

when we speak

my voice deceives you

Mania is a black hole hiding in my smile

Thank god no one understands

and so I write

Mania overflows to golden waterfalls of tears

providing a little peace

this is amazing

this is ill

You cannot see

maybe one day you will see

MANIC - eyes stare back empty

like eyes that have seen too much

these eyes see too much at once

dead fish eyes

unblinking and wide

Sometimes there is too much of me

I attempt to reduce myself

But the busyness of life vibrates around me

steel bees vibrating in my metal skull

like nails in a tin can.

.....

I am little pieces of myself
fragmenting
Mania does this to me
my memory world shatters
like dribbles of glass
through a heart-shaped sieve

Little pieces of me
come one day
across little pieces of
you

A blanket of time
wraps over my head
I've lost
where I said
I should be
I drag myself from one
place to another place
one state to another state
I can't see
without
I'm lost
in my own
head.

1-11-2006

Under scrutiny

I writhe under the hot light of scrutiny

that almost blinds my creativity

eyes with knives inside, that fill this world

That slice my face, that bruise my arms

that tear my heart.

All the while I stare, just beyond that glass ledge

on which I stand

so close

to infinity

Blinded by light - I'm screaming in the dark - and no one hears

please take away my tears, to somewhere they will fall,

and make a sound

I wrap my love up in a hard enamel shell

and cast it to the sea

on the monthly lunar swell,

without me it should do so well

oh free and distant love

still connected by a golden thread

...I have lost my voice

04-2005
.

I Cry

I cry into the wind

to dry my tears

take them down its unplanned path

blow them away

far from me

out of sight, out of mind

Dilute my pain and hide my grief

Each shattered tear a thousand drips

cry into the wind to mute my sobs

and carry my tears away

from me.

,

26.4.1999

Under the Influence

Pale skin dead under the white moon
Vacant eyes glazed over, unblinking
Loosened mind
Dissolved thoughts
The darkness is there but the pain has gone
Washed away in a wave of unimportance.
Peace
Numbness,
Resting, deteriorating
Travelling through nowhere
With nothing on your mind
Unblinking.

Tomorrow morning
you'll turn over a new leaf.

1999

Midnight Carnival

Pale, Feel like I've been silenced

Carnival at midnight
Echoing with loneliness in the shadows
Shivers of shock

Nothingness banishes all beauty

It hurts now I'm so far away
from what was once so close

Unfair is not the word that comes to my mind at times like this.

Upset, it's so upsetting
I'll be beside you forever
Although you'll not notice most of the time
A love too great to ever completely leave behind
I'll fight for you forever
even when I'm gone
One day I'll be back to take you with me
And you will always stay strong

12-7-2

Transfixed

Transfixed on a spot of blue
As if there wasn't a whole sky of blue to gaze upon.
The blue fleck amongst the trees,
the bushes sway, a sea of green
with pink capped waves and purple fish.
Vivid echoes of glorious light,
spots of brick red splash and create a contrast.
The sun bites at the edge of the day
I peer down at the warm yellow surface, of the sea of greenery, with emerald depths
And spy a ship that swims alone, magnificent in the sun
Navigating North-North-West
It aims to catch a fleeting gust
to carry on it's way, the winds of change
the boat with outstretched sails of billowing blue.

18.6.2

Sitting in shadows

Again I saw you sitting there
But little pieces were gone
Something was different
Little pieces were gone
"Just a little bit" you said,
you said "Not much"
"Just a little bit"
I looked again
and saw you
sitting in a shadow
terrified of light
and pieces of your face were
hidden from view
and bits of you were gone
And the room was full of ghosts
from the haunting past
And you were sitting in the shadows
terrified of night
Drowning in the darkness terrified of light
Your hands still clasped
and praying for the end
But the end of attrition will never come
without a victory for someone
So who will win this?
You?
Or them?
Who will win this in the end?
Will you win this in the end?

3-5-2

mind out of body

I'm drifting away
my body slumped
a dark black shape
a darkened black aubergine sky
with bluewhite shades
and tinwhite stars
a moon fades away down one side
and the unending darkness stretches through me
and far off into the distance.
I'm collapsed on to the pillows in my mind
and I'm moving away
I'm sliding away
something here is not quite there
my mind has gone, somewhere
I'm looking down
I'm lying there
I'm quiet and unmoving
I don't quite seem so full of life
Because which is me? My body or my mind?
With pieces missing I shift away
slowly, I'm falling down a spiral staircase
headfirst
and it hurts
how this lost feeling perpetuates.
My hands are dead and behind me tied
my face is numb
and legs have died
and I'm no longer there
in my shell, I'm lost and almost gone
I'm distanced now, the colours separating
These wounds aren't healing but there's no one left to feel the pain
It's so lonely to go insane

I scream

a voice comes to my lips
mental and physical rejoining now
like a tear in reverse
I'm joined to my face distorted in pain
I'm joined to my hands, struggling again
I'm rejoined to my legs that kick out in protest
I'm myself for a second, I'm free and I'm fighting
Until the next wave of weakness overwhelms me
and I slump back to the floor where I lay before,
caged and sedate


15.4.2
LEF