Reading loop

Stuck reading this book in a giant loop
like nothing else exists
as I am stuck reading the past and future as a book
and can never find the ENDING
Because the beginning and the end overlap
we're always travelling back where we started and where we'll end
forward to the beginning
again
remembering the future
the end is backwards - ahead to where we started
Because the end and the beginning overlap
I can never find the beginning
Stuck reading the book of the future and the past
like nothing else exists
In a giant loop reading this book I'm stuck

20-1-3
(so obsessive because I've only slept 4 hours - if that)

Obsessive

OBSESSIVE
can't close my eyes to all that worry
unless I lock myself away
I've spent all my life building
this mental cage

I'm safe in here
to die alone
in complete relaxation
away from depression
away from anything beautiful
that might hurt me
away from anyone I want
that I might disappoint

I've been filtered out of my life
an entirely blue rainbow
sometimes I miss myself
sometimes I cry about it
but mainly I just sit staring in to nothingness
until the feeling goes away

Removed from myself
I've forgotten how to care
Stopped dealing with the truth
after too long living in lies
And now everything just blends in to the walls
and nothing ever seems to change
I need never move again

need never open my eyes

My world slumps stagnant around me

time's just ticking 'round in circles

year after year just sliding by.

Something within me

still longing to fight

an angry voice is screaming at myself

but I'm trying to smother the sound

hands over my ears

silence is the greatest crime

my own worst enemy

the day I choose to hear the truth

I will be free

again

13-1-3

Nineteen hours sleep

I slept for nineteen hours
awoke emaciated and empty
as I had fallen asleep emaciated and empty.
Heartbeat slower than the seconds on the clock
heavy like the beat of a drum
announcing a public execution.
Did I know as I had closed my eyes, so long ago
that I was lying down to die?
I gave into the darkness then
to one day step into the light
But awoke to find just bare bulbs
and grey, shadowed memories
wishing I was somewhere else
and someone that I'd never be
someone's that I'd never be
again

19-12-02
LEF

All this paper

ALL THIS PAPER all this mess All this Material This Waste This Nest
All these memories Are grains of sand
Alone in here with my things, representing my demons
How is it that I enjoy accumulating new demons?
More and more eventually consuming me
From the inside out
Stripped bare of anything worth keeping there
Replaced with obsessional novelties of times that passed
That were worth less than the futures I bypassed
Because of memories
Because it's easier to live there
Where you can tweek your life to what it wasn't
Living in reverse
Backwards lies reflected in the mirror
Until they seem to be true
And the clocks are ticking backwards
Losing time all the time
Losing time and losing you

3-11-2
II