The overused pen

Can anything I write these days be sane, balanced, rational?

I guess these are not the years for that

so many pages filled

and so much good ink spilled

to purge each obsession from my mind

such horrifically circular thoughts

expressed again, again, again.

Progression only through increasing depth of delusion.

Still I sit here alone in my world

as many do

I am so lucky to be here

so free

and so in love

with this whole universe.

So lucky to have seen

and to know

that which cannot be lost

and has no need of being gained.

I bring it to the centre of my heart

and hope it is enough

to keep

the cage of flesh

from collapse.

So long it has been my burden, my anchor,

my only vehicle of freedom to exist

But now- what?

On the cusp of new or old, familiar, rephrased revelations

perhaps I will be turned free

from that past suffering

and only into tomorrow's ills

will I travel.

Why has it taken so long to escape yesterday?

There are so many forevers in my heart

so many forevers already

leading me towards

such a desperate loneliness

but this is where so many are

I must not resent the visit,

but keep charting this map.

........

Will anything good come of such overuse of the pen tonight?

I plead through time that I was different

that I did not miss you

but as always, I have missed myself.

I reside somewhere, I'm sure,

amongst these half open boxes on the floor.

Years of unanswered questions

overflow

to waterfalls of tears,

upon each revelation

that there is nothing there at all

just the traces of a pen

held by someone who once was scared

and then, upon conquering that fear

made a million plans

for a thousand different futures

none of which were hers

.....

Will I be yours?

I ask the faint trace of your memory

outlined in my heart

And I cannot keep from asking

but hear no answer

no suggestion

It is perhaps

just the same old story

I induce a migraine

as I sit and write too late

And this busy world

refuses to wait

any longer for this Laura

I still wait for it

as I wait for you

I wait for you to find me perhaps

I'm so tired of hiding

but there is no exposing

all this pain to anyone

I miss your smile, I miss the air in your eyes,

I miss something that I can't quite describe.

5/9/2010