Lost sheets

These are lost sheets
time-shards uncollated
feelings uncoordinated
my diary is somewhere else
unloved and unwritten
I miss out so many sections of despair

Two years ago plus half a year
I found you there
since then we have held each other
so close from afar
time together has been limited
but it is now locked in to my heart

and you won't forget me
though you may try
to escape this stress
of our separation

Maybe over time our molecules will have changed
we will be less and less of the selves that we were
when we met
and more of something new
without each other

But always, on my own,
I'm feeling more and more of you
the memories will not escape
and I weave them, constantly
in to the fabric of myself
and I become built out of you

I wonder if you ever feel the same as this
meri jaan

I wonder if you rebuild yourself
as daily as I do
trying to find a shred of hope left
amongst the disillusion
we have created

I wonder if it leaks out of your soul
in streams of longing that everyone can see
if you miss me

if they have heard the story now
so many times
that they feel like they know us

it is nice to collect the support of strangers
and the enchantment of friends

I wonder how many times,
in how many languages
our story has been told?

One day we will see if I am able to tell it again
it is so hard working on this happy ending
there are so many cycles of despair
and we are caught in it
such a long intermission
to struggle with no answer in sight
our darkness knows no horizon

except what hope we can create inside
and nurture in our hearts
hidden away from the doubts that we speak
hurting words that cut deeply
that fly from sharp and angry tongues
From this, there are so many
bruises and cuts on the surface

My body bleeds
as if it won't contain me
in such a living grief
But art spins gold out of flesh

so perhaps there is hope still yet
as long as there is breath.

…..

I'm scared to leave the room that contains your memories
I walk the streets that knew your footsteps
I know the trees that saw us in the park when we were worried
I return to the shop, it gives me no answers about how I found you
I want to hold on to the light that fell on you
whilst you were here with me
The sun and moonlight will fall on us again, I know
I will make it that way my love.

3 Nov 2012
LEF